Boundaries

Boundaries are the key to happiness. The most compassionate people in the world have the strongest boundaries (research findings by Brene Brown). What is this elusive word, boundaries, anyway? It is the distance where we can still respect each other’s wishes. If someone asks us, can we take lead on this project? It is exposure, but a ton of responsibility and no pay increase… If the only reason we are feeling like saying yes, is because we feel we should say yes, then our answer should be:

“No, but thank you for the offer!”

If we say yes, we are saying, I value their comfort over mine. We can’t really mean to be doing that! Let us support each other to stand firm in our “no”.

When we have someone in our life that is living outside of our values, it can be very difficult to distance ourselves. It feels cruel, it is ingrained in us that we must smile and nod. We must put “manners” in front of our own comfort. However, this may be narrow thinking.

When we are overly-accommodating with our “yes”, then we are living outside of our values. We are not standing firm in our integrity. It builds up anger, and resentment, that then gets misplaced. Instead of a Yes-Day, maybe we should start a No-Day. We could all practice saying, no thank you. Then, we can watch as the world does not implode. Every practice attempt may become slightly less uncomfortable.

Please share some examples of boundaries, and where an uncomfortable but important “no” opportunity was missed. Here are some recent examples:

• Saying “yes” to helping a friend move despite being overwhelmed with responsibilities already
• Saying “yes” to an exercise program, because it is easier to give into peer pressure and just not show up, than say no.
• Saying “yes” to food we don’t want because it feels impolite to say no.
• Saying “yes” thinking, it will be a good experience, but not being intentional about the emotional strings tied during our visit.
• Saying “no” to help, when we really mean yes but don’t want to be a burden.
• Saying “no” to an offer of food because we feel we should pay.
• Accepting a job offer that is below the pay we intended, but we feel we should be grateful that we got the offer.

These are all examples of boundaries. Intentional living is thoughtful, big-picture thinking. It will be uncomfortable. However, how can we change if we keep doing what we have always done?